©After His Suicide, Grief Meditations by Karen M. Phillips: 02/07/12

Dear Reader,

After my father’s suicide, I searched for books to help me through my grief process, but there weren’t many available, especially not one page meditations. The nature of recovery from a loved one’s suicide, for me, was silent. The people that knew about my loss did not know how to console, and I rarely spoke about my father’s suicide. I was afraid of what others may think of my father or me. Unearned shame kept me quiet. I needed words and feelings from someone who had walked down the same path. I did not need graphic descriptions of a person’s suicide. I couldn’t deal with words that brought home the horrible scene of finding my father. But still, I needed to know that the churning feelings inside me were normal. With the thought that possibly another person could relate to my feelings, writing them has been a catharsis.

For me writing has always been a release. There was an old game I used to play as a child called pick-up-sticks. The object was to remove one stick at a time without moving the others. That’s what writing these meditations has been like for me; I picked up one thread of a thought at a time to look at and express. Singling out just one thought and developing it into concise words was difficult and frustrating. Yet, it left me with a clear heart and the ability to get on with my life. Writing these one-page thoughts were both my own cathartic attempt to make some sense of what happened to me after my father’s death, and my attempt to help others cope with their sorrow.

Writing was just one tool in my efforts to heal from the grief of losing my father. Professional direction from a psychologist helped me to understand, also, that once I was able to see my father as no longer in pain then I could begin my own healing. Joining a support group gave me confidence to stop isolating and helped me to talk about my father’s suicide.

Efforts at good writing ask the writer to always speak their truth. It was the truth that I adhered to in these reflections. I did not whitewash the pain. If you have lost someone to suicide, I hope my truth will not cut sharply into your agony. And painful though they are, I believe these reflections have a healing grace. I hope that you will find something in them that will help.

Sincerely,

Karen Phillips

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Gratitude List

Today, I woke up feeling shame that I always dread Easter. This year that dread seems to be at a higher level than usual. It will be fourteen years since my father’s suicide, the Friday after Easter, and I still feel weighted down. And even that feels shameful.

I don’t talk much to my church friends or pastor about the reason I tend to disappear during Easter. In a nutshell, I’ve got Daddy, Jesus, and death rolled up in a pretty tightly knitted ball. I feel pain, so I retreat.

This morning I thought maybe a gratitude list of what is going on in my life right now might help me out of my funk. Here it is:

· I am grateful that my Higher Power loves me and allows me moments of doubt as well as moments of clarity.

· I am grateful for my marriage.

· I am grateful that my mother is still alive and seems to be doing so well.

· I am grateful for my decision to write even though I struggle for ideas and scenes.

· I am grateful for the Spring season coming. I saw buttercups sprouting this morning.

· I am grateful for my Codependence Anonymous support groups that I attend on a regular basis.

· I am grateful for the friendship of my dog.

· I am grateful for grocery stores.

· I am grateful for new friendships.

· I am grateful for the realization that I grieve today.

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